I found the word conduplicated looking up synonyms for complicated. According to Merriam-Webster’s conduplicate: adj. folded lengthwise (as petals in a bud) from Latin conduplicare, to double.
It is related to duplex: having two principal elements or parts
And thus a title was dropped in my lap. For conduplicated certainly describes my life.
Somehow it has all been folded over, crumpled up. I’m waiting for those divorce papers to be served. I’m getting back together with DD.
And my therapy through this is working in my garden. Pruning a feral rose-bush is both symbolic and soothing. Planting little seedlings and raking last years debris. Little Girl plays and digs while I work and think.
Man-baby sends me endless semi-psychotic text messages. Each one only driving home how right I am in deciding to be done with him. Perhaps he truly cannot remember all that he has said over the last months. I was so relieved when he moved out. No more screaming and temper tantrums. No more controlling and chaotic mood swings.
And this time when he said he quit on our relationship I said good, me too. For, in his great maturity (voice dripping with sarcasm) is go-to tactic over every tiny bump in the road was to threaten to quit or to leave. And I kept letting him come back. Even after his son raped Little Boy.
Little Boy is a true survivor. He has been through so much in seven years. With courage and resilience which are truly amazing.
And through this all DD stepped up and helped me keep it all together, helped his children cope. And I realized that he has been right there, loving me, in love with me, for over five years. It was me who drove him away. He is the one person I can completely trust with my children, with my life. We have both grown tremendously in five years. We are not the kids we were when our daughter was conceived after a bottle of gin. And so, I realized I owed him a major apology.
The humility I have stumbled into this last year still seems a bit unnatural. But he didn’t hesitated the slightest to accept my apology, grant me forgiveness and take my hand.