Today was a birth control day. Meaning that I love my kids dearly but sure am happy I’ve got an IUD. More on that later.
Little Girl got her attitude on while getting out the door to take Little Boy to school. Then she slugged me in the eye when we left Grandma’s after coffee.
She’s ordinarily a kind kid. But sometimes she has to assert herself and remind me that for all her precocious intelligence and concise emotional articulation she is still only four and is living in a rather uncertain situation these days.
I wish I had been smart enough to have stayed with DD all these years, that she would not be in the situation of watching her parents dating… each other. We do keep most of our tentative explorations in that direction to ourselves and out of their faces. But nonetheless there is a new atmosphere when we are in the room together.
Little Boy got kept after class to clean out his desk. And his teacher walked him out. With his backpack stuffed to the max with work he was supposed to have been doing in class and hadn’t. So he’s spending his weekend getting it done.
I try to be a good enough mother. I’ve sure made a lot of mistakes in it all.
And I wish that the circumstances I brought them into could have been better, more stable. They are wanted kids but they weren’t planned kids.
And so, I have fuck-up proof birth control these days. Should I ever have another there will be a minimum of planning and preparation. There is no way I can forget to take it or get taken in a passionate moment….
And today, I am well worn out by the two I have and think it would take just the right situation for me to ever consider another on
In some ways I would like to do it “right” just once, would like to know how it is to be expecting without wondering if I will be begging to keep the basics. To actually have someone at my side through it all. To welcome a child without the worry of being alone and poor.
Despite days like today I have gotten much joy and many blessings out of motherhood. And I have become much better than I would be without them. Finding the strength to be what they need has been good for me, too. I want to be a better person, want to live a good life, want to do right.