divorce, mistake, motherhood, relationship, stress

Am I Paranoid?

I am starting to think that Man-baby is spying on me.

He’s texts me obsessively.  I haven’t replied since the 26th of April.

I want to move on with life.  I haven’t asked for anything from him in our divorce, despite living in a state where I probably could have had him ordered to fork over his most precious money.

So when he texted about “wanting to help” and made an offer to keep paying the bills and give me grocery money I didn’t reply.

I have too much self respect to give him that much power over my existence.  And DD has too much pride to leave his daughter and her mother at the mercy of a jackass.

And then, DD spent the night for the first time.  And almost instantly I started getting texts from Man-baby about how “he won’t support me and my boyfriend” and how he’s going to have the phone and internet turned off and is closing the bank account.

So this is either a coincidence and just more of Man-baby’s hot/cold routine or he’s cruising by in the middle of the night to “check” on me.  I’m inclined to go with the later.  He’s like that, possessive and obsessive both.  Which is a dangerous and frightening combination.

DD’s not here tonight.  I feel a bit silly about it but I will be taking a few extra security precautions.  They won’t hurt and an ex-husband who’s proved to be abusive and controlling is a chance not worth taking.

Do you think I’m paranoid or wisely cautious?  I’d rather be safe than sorry.

I feel safe with DD here.  I know Man-baby is scarred of him.  And DD has never shied away from protecting us.  Even when things were tense between us I knew I could count on him to look out for the kids and me.  He knows the battlefield.

The very fist time he spent the night with me, all those years ago, it was after another, far more violent, ex of mine had violated a restraining order.  He showed up prepared to kill him if it came to it.  Lots of men will swear they’d do anything to defend a woman, not too many actually know what that might mean.  He did.  He does.  And it was much of why I fell in love with him then.

He wasn’t just doing it to impress me.  He loved me enough to do anything, and had the awareness to know what anything really encompasses.

I wish he was here tonight.  But I do know how to booby trap my house and how to put up a good fight on my own.  And I am a woman who will face her fears and fight like a bear if her children are in danger.

I wish he was here but our relationship is not ready for too much togetherness.  I want it be be healthy and strong.  Not just built on a reaction or an over-reaction.

I feel like if I give in to my fear, if I let it dictate my decisions then I am letting Man-baby have that power over me.  But I also know that fear is a sane reaction in some situations.  And this may be one of those.  So I won’t let it get me to call for protection.  But I will take a few precautions.



No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: