health, mistake, motherhood

Awake and Alive


I learned what it means to love this morning.

I kept my tears from falling until the moment the OR nurses wheeled DD through those double doors.  And then I paced like a tiger in cage.

I almost lost Little Boy a bit over six years ago.  Today was every bit as nerve wracking and terrifying.  I did not think I could love anyone other than my children like that.  Turns out I love her father even more.

I could not help but go through the things I wished were different.  I swallowed my tears and wished I had married him five years ago, wished his name was on Little Girl’s birth certificate.  Wished it could be me having an infected organ removed rather than him.

He sleeps now, doped up on pain pills, and I check on him more often than I checked on my children when they were newborns.

It is this deep, powerful love I never could have imagined.  It seems truly impossible that I am capable of caring like this.

To have him awake and alive and in my arms is such a blessing.

 

 

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