divorce, health, humor, motherhood, relationship, single mom

To What Could Have Been


Man Baby is back at the texting.  Oh, and he send me a card for what would have been our first anniversary.  I didn’t know they made cards like that.  It’s the silliest, sappiest, stupidest card I’ve ever gotten.  All about how sorry he is.  And, at the end of the stock message (I cannot call that drivel poetry) he writes that he hopes I can “let go of my anger”  and signs it To What Could Have Been.

Now, far worse than anger, I am absolutely apathetic toward him.  I.DON’T.CARE.  But he keeps cluttering up my life with contact I don’t want.  He is mad and so he wants me to be mad, too.  He is suffering and wants me to suffer with him.

What could have been?  Well, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so I can pretty well (and did) bet my life on what would have happened if I had stayed with him.  I could have been the target of his tantrums all day, every day, until death did us part.  I could have let him continue to destroy my family as he had already destroyed his.  I could have sat back and let his son continue molesting my (much younger) son.

The theme of his text messages is, contrary to the I’m-so-sorry card, all about how I didn’t treat him right, how he couldn’t take my “going at him all the time,” how he “only wanted two things” and all I did was “bitch.”

Damn right I’m a bitch.  Let’s make that BITCH, in capitals.  If a bitch is a woman who will not be treated with disrespect or violence, that’s me.  If a bitch is a woman who protects her children, that’s me.  If a bitch is a woman who’s smart enough to see that the card and the messages are inconsistent, that’s me.  Yes, what could have been.  I could have let him keep at it with the crazy-making, the denials, the lies, the violence.  I could have been perfect, just for him.

But damn am I glad it never will be.

 

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Discussion

2 thoughts on “To What Could Have Been

  1. “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” Wise words, my dear. In my experience, many know them to be true, but few are strong enough to live by them (myself included, once upon a time). Well done, and thanks for sharing.

    Posted by Being June | September 14, 2012, 3:18 pm
  2. It is often hard to live out the truth. I tend to think that my best moments have also been the times I was most miserable. Good decisions are much tougher to stick by than bad ones. But walking the walk tends to lead to fewer regrets on down the road. Thanks for stopping by!

    Posted by anonymous3891 | September 16, 2012, 4:22 pm

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