family, health, humor, orgasm, relationship, sex, Uncategorized

How to Turn Her On – An Expanded Definition of Foreplay

I’m sure you can find plenty of advice on the technicalities of sex.  Something about kissing and sucking and stroking and all that.  Most of these sources will explain all about how women need longer to warm up than men.  A few will even mention that good sex starts out side the bedroom and give weird advice about eating strange food.  Once in a great while someone will throw in a bonus on romantic gestures and buying stuff.

It should go without saying that the first rule of Turning Her On would be Don’t Turn Her Off.  So here I give a few pre-pre-requists for getting some.

Things that Turn off Women (as determined by me and a few friends and sisters I talk with)

1. Poor Hygiene.  Dirty hair.  BO.  Bad Breath.  Ten minutes in the bathroom makes it far more likely she’ll want you on the sheets she just washed.  If you can’t take two minutes to brush your teeth why should she spend twenty minutes carefully removing body hair?

2. Kids banging on the door.  Spend enough time with the family that they aren’t desperate for your attention all the time.

3.  Kids hanging on her all the time.  Sometimes even the most affectionate of us are just all touched out by the end of the day.  We’ve held hands across the parking lot, spent hours as a portable milk machine, kissed boo-boos, hugged spaghetti splattered toddlers, walked the colic out, comforted the distressed, and we just want our bodies to ourselves for a while.

4.  Those little details.  You probably don’t even notice it.  But every time she sees it she wonders if you really are blind and stupid or if you’re just pretending so she’ll take care of it.  You came in the door tired and put it down but when she trips on it and stubs her toe and spends the night with her foot soaking you’re not getting any.  So pay attention to the little things that get on her nerves, every woman has a few.  Commonly that lists includes dirty laundry on the floor, full trash cans, dirty dishes and empty beverage containers.  In short, if she’s picking up after you it will be hard to get her to open up for you.

5.  She’s tired/hungry/needs a shower.  Chances are good she often puts your needs and the kids’ ahead of her own.  She reasons that a hungry baby is more immediate than combing her hair, that she can eat after the kids are in bed.  She stays up late to see the show you like.  She deals with bodily fluids and liquid diets.  She picks up the cat vomit so you don’t step on it in the dark.  She’s up at the crack of dawn making breakfast and packing lunches.  And she’s folding laundry and cleaning lunchboxes well after the late news.  Would your family function if she only did 8 hours a day?  Or would your kids look like orphans and you be living off take-out?  What is she doing while you watch your show?  Unless she’s also kicked back with a bowl of popcorn you might consider looking around at what needs picked up.  You never know, when she discovers she doesn’t have two hours of chores after the kids are asleep she may well spend that two hours servicing you rather than that basket of laundry.

6.  She feels like she has to keep up/compete.  Women face a tremendous pressure to do it all and be it all.  If she’s home with the kids DO NOT ask what she did all day, she’ll feel like you think she’s not contributing enough.  And remember, if you paid people to do for you and your kids what she does, it would be a lot more than what she spends on that shampoo and those cosmetics.  If she works outside the home she faces constant critics and tough choices.

7.  Being talked to.  Yeah, yeah, you’ve heard a hundred times how women like talk.  But there is a huge difference between talking TO her and talking WITH her.  If you talk to her she’ll turn off and tune you out.  If your talking with her she’ll want to tell you all about it, including how she fantasizes about having sex in a tree house and how hot you look in those shorts.

8.  Performance Anxiety.  All that about women and multiple orgasms and how your not really a man if you can’t make her have one?  Forget it.  Those women in porn with all that enthusiasm and energy are acting for a pay check.  Real woman don’t get off every time and it usually has nothing to do with all that advice on how to stroke her Z-Spot.  If you want earthquakes and fireworks every time you’ll have to accept that she probably won’t have energy for it very often.

9.  Reading the advice of strangers on the internet rather than getting to know her.  So what if your Ex liked it.  So what if Dr. PhD Sex Stud recommended it.  What matters is what she likes.  And what she’s in the mood for tonight may not be what she wants Saturday night.  Invest in her and get to know her.  Not as a biology experiment to decode but as an individual human being.  Quit reading my blog and go tune in to her.



3 thoughts on “How to Turn Her On – An Expanded Definition of Foreplay

  1. This was perfect lol! I’m going to print it and give it my husband 🙂

    Posted by Little Mom BIG World | October 23, 2012, 4:11 pm


  1. Pingback: An Expanded Definition of Foreplay – Part II « conduplicated - October 25, 2012

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