addict, cats, family, garden, relationship, single mom, writing

Dear Santa,


I can’t ask God for this shit stuff so please Santa, help me out a bit.  I haven’t been very good but I’m doing better, I swear.  I know there was that incident with getting high at 8AM on a Monday morning but I haven’t touched the stuff once since then.  I’ve quit drinking, too.  That’s quite an accomplishment given that my family keeps putting cups of the shit stuff in my face.

I can’t really excuse my short temper with the kids.  School should start two hours later.  7:30 is just too damn early.  But otherwise I think I’ve been good.  We’re going to church again.  You know that’s saying something from me.  I’ve been making amends for the bullshit train wreck I’ve kicked up over the years.

I kept a garden again this year.  It only has a few weeds.  I swept the floor today.  It’s only a little sticky under the kids’ chairs.  I haven’t once forgotten Little Boy’s medicine after his surgery on Tuesday.  Even the fucking dose at 2 in the morning.  I bit my tongue when Man rattled on all afternoon and I did not tell him he’s an arrogant SOB and that’s why no one wants to work with him.

I even stood up for Little Boy on Thanksgiving when that dick wad  douche bag  asshole  meanie  tried to tickle him and make him yell.  I was so mad I forgot to be cowardly and jumped right in and got loud and held my ground.

I’ve been a real bitch to Man too.  It’s about time.  He needs a woman who won’t put up with any bullshit  nonsense.

I helped DD bag his bags and get out the door.  I think I was supposed to get on my knees and beg for him to stay and feel like nothing without him.  But I helped.  All selfless and all that.

See, I’ve been mostly good.  There’s only a few dirty icecream bowls in the sink.  And I planned well enough to have almost everything stocked up before being house bound with a child right out of surgery.  I’ve remembered to call J every day few days since her husband died.

So please, Santa, could I, just once, have a few things just for me this year?

I’d really like some warm wool socks.  My feet are always cold.  I must be having nightmares, the cats won’t sleep on them anymore.

Some help clearing the dead stuff out of the garden would be nice.  I’m so worn out trying to keep it all up by myself.  When B suggested I needed help I about cried.  No shit kidding I need help.  I know I need help.  Haven’t seen any volunteers yet.

My old car has 330,000 miles on it.  I know a new one is too much to ask for but if you could please give it some magic so it lasts a little longer I’d really appreciate that.  I even learned to change the oil myself when it got obvious my brother was on a bender and wouldn’t follow through.

The meth heads in the trailer park keep cutting though over here again.  It’s just me and the kids and sometimes I’m scared.  I can’t take care of a dog.  A big pair of used men’s work boots to leave on the porch would be nice.  Like size 12 and worn about out and covered in mud.

I’m crying again and I don’t know why, there shouldn’t be any tears left.  A box of tissues would help.  These paper towels are starting to eat through my nose.

I really need a hug.  Every day.  When that’s just simple kindness and affection.  No sex or strings attached.  I get a lot of sticky kid hugs.  They are precious and I don’t want to sound ungrateful.  But I need a grown up hug.

Also, if you could please bring me a few good toys I can give the kids.  I know they’ll write their own letters soon and I’m sure you’ll do your best not to disappoint them.  I still have some money in the bank but it’s got to last a long time yet and I’d really like to be able to give them something from me so they know I care.  I’ve picked up a few practical things for them already, new PJ’s that haven’t had the warm washed out and some books from the paperback exchange.  They also have birthdays right before and after Christmas and I can’t do much party for them this year.  Maybe two toys for each, so they can both have something fun?

The cats would like a big bag of chow.  They have plenty of toys and pick their own mice in the neighbor’s sheds.  They also asked me to ask for a warm dry winter this year please.

Remember the year I got robbed and you sent a lady with presents for the kids and new coats for them and everything?  It convinced me there are still people who aren’t evil.  Thank you for that.  I know I said it before but I want to say it again.

Sincerely, Me

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